True Theory #5 Price Tag

True Theory #5 Price Tag

No matter what anyone believes about Christmas, the reason for this world wide holiday can only be traced to ONE significant event in history... The birth of Jesus Christ. The son of God, brought to this earth to die for the sins of all man kind. While there are many parts to this important story, I think I have found the MOST important part relating to the true meaning of Christmas.

"... After this interview the wise men went their way. Once again the star appeared to them, guiding them to Bethlehem. It went ahead of them and stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were filled with joy! They entered the house where the child and his mother, Mary, were, and they fell down before him and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasure chests and gave him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh...."

Since the start of Christmas, it has always been a holiday for "giving" People have given gifts to each other just as the wise men gave gifts to Jesus. If we examine the holiday closer, it is very evident that it is aimed at CHILDREN... No gifts were given to Jesus' parents. Only him. But what use of gold, frankincense, and myrrh to a mere child? Why would these WISE men waste money on such DUMB presents?! Well times have not changed and people still spend their money on stupid things for kids every Christmas. Here are some examples of comparable gifts given in modern times...
Gold - MP3 Players, Nintendo Wii, Ponies

Frankincense - Zhu Zhu pet hamsters, Yankees memorabilia, Snuggies

Myrrh - Mr. Potato Head, Tickle Me Elmo, Ferbie, Christmas CD's

Conclusion

It doesn't take much to see the underlying message in this story. Christmas is all about buying the most expensive and useless items you can!!!

True Theory #4 A Christmas Poem

True Theory #4 A Christmas Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas, and through my small house

Not a creature was stirring, except maybe a mouse;

The walls of our single wide laid boring and bare,

But I knew in my heart, Mr. Clause would be there;

My parents were passed out all drunk in there beds,

I'm sure visions of Budweiser danced in their heads;

I laid there and dreamed, in my old bronco cap,

That maybe, just this year, Santa'd bring some GOOD crap;

When out in the trailer park there arose such a clatter,

Even the cops came to see what was the matter;

From my own window I saw sirens flash,

looks like they busted the neighbors Christmas Eve Bash;

I could see breasts in the new fallen snow,

It gave quite excitement to objects below :)

When what to my curios eyes should appear,

But a bunch of drunk rednecks and four kegs of beer;

Then it was apparent, so dull yet so quick,

Christmas was exciting, like mud on a stick;

Every year drunker and drunker the came,

Never bored with the re-runs of Super Bowl games;

"Poor us a drink! Girl you know how to fix 'em,

Go Doncos Go! Romo now blitz 'em!"

It's down to the thirty, should we kick a field goal?

And just like the first time, "Yay WE won the Bowl!"

As fast as can be, their mugs raise up high,

They dance and they cheer as they scream at the sky;

My spirits were probably as worn as a shoe,

But it's ok, Santa will bring ME something new!

I knew he was real, Mom said there was proof,

There's now way that Santa was only a spoof.

Even when kids at school teased around,

and said "Santa don't come ta yer part o' town"

I'd prove them wrong, I'd have me a look,

maybe snap a picture, for my photo book;

And all of those kids who said i was "whack"

would be so amazed and take it all back;

I heard someone fall as they were yelling out "Merry..."

I heard "Are you ok?!" and "Your truck's lookin' cherry!"

Was that Santa who'd fallen out in the snow?

Who's Chevy truck was in the driveway below?

I poked out my head, to just get a peek,

A man all in red, and CHEW IN HIS TEETH;

Had a familiar face and a round little belly,

He went straight to the kitchen, made some toast with some jelly;

Ate the cookies I left, grabbed more from the shelf,

Devoured every last one like a Keebler elf;

An accidental noise and a turn of his head,

I found my self screaming "Hey Uncle Ted!"

"Those were for Santa! You ruined my work!

You ate all my cookies you big stupid jerk!"

He said "Son I think its about time that you knows,

Santa exists like a dry river flows."

My hopes were diminished, they'd been hit by a missile,

And all that I got was this dumb little whistle;

Ted jumped in his Chevy, and peeled out of sight,

"Don't tell yer sister! Have a hell of a night!"



Conclusion
"Christmas is ALL ABOUT Disappointment"

True Theory #3 Love... Or something like it

True Theory #3 Love... Or something like it

Ever stolen that kiss you've wanted for ages? Maybe you're even the creepy guy at the office parties. You know, the one who follows the hot secretary around all night, just hoping she'll step under some mistletoe? You've seen it in movies and you've probably even thought about your own scandalous way to make it happen... Well you can thank William Shakespeare for that. The man who found a way to make love happen, even when all signs point other directions. Yes, a rare discovery of mine has lead me to the to secrets behind one of the most awesome, yet strangely direful Christmas traditions of all time.

Romeo and Juliet is one of the most famous tragedies in the history of literature. A tale of two love struck teens who will do anything they can to be together... Very original right? And original was something Shakespeare was not. In fact, Romeo and Juliet was a story borrowed from The Tragical History of Romeus and Juliet by Arthur Brooke. Shakespeare added some very different twists to his tale though. In Shakespeare's version, there was not as much love between the two. Actually, Juliet found absolutely no attraction to the disturbing boy who sat outside her balcony on a weekly basis. He was nothing more than an old school Miley Cyrus Stalker.

So as the story plays out, Juliet tells romeo to take a hike. Naturally the word "no" doesn't faze the boy. He's "in love" so he continues, even with the threat of death from Juliets cousins. Not wanting a death to result over her wonderful breasts, Juliet decides to fake her death and spare the poor boy. She goes to Friar Laurence who says he has a pill that will put her in a death like coma for a couple hours. Unfortunately, the Friar was a little bit of an alcoholic. The drunk man gave her the wrong pills and she really did kick the bucket that day. A most distraught romeo went to visit his beloveds burial place to say his final goodbyes. Standing next to her coffin was the closest Romeo had actually ever been to Juliet. He was overwhelmed. He picked up the mistletoe that laid in her hands. As he smelled it and leaned in to touch Juliet's cold, dead face, he fell. The coffin lid closed on top of him... His body, unable to move and both their lips pressed hard against the mistletoe between them. A truly ironic situation. He finally got the kiss, but unfortunately paid for it with his life as he was barried alive the next day.

Conclusion

As you can see, the story was far from romantic in anyway. Throughout the years and translations, the story was directed back to more of its original context for obvious reasons. The story of how Romeo finally got the girl with the help of some mistletoe and bad luck became inspiration for creepy guys everywhere. It is now both a loved AND dreaded tradition during the Christmas season but its what Christmas is all about... Kissing hot babes even when they don't want you to!!! :)

True Theory #2 Light 'em up

True Theory #2 Light 'em up

For those of you who believe in the good hearted nature of Santa Clause, and wish to continue to do so, please stop reading IMMEDIATELY!!!...... Now I'm sure most everyone knows the story of old St. Nicholas. A man, born in the 3rd Century, who decided to follow the words of Jesus and sell all of his possessions, give his inheritance away and serve the needy. Most would agree he was a man pure of heart and loved by all... WRONG!

A very well kept secret of the Catholic Church actually reveals that St. Nicholas was actually a cousin of the Pope during the time, St. Sylvester I. Not a big deal right? WRONG AGAIN! St. Nicholas' parents died while he was just a young boy. All of their possessions were sold to pay all debts, leaving poor St. Nicholas with absolutely nothing. Because no family members wanted to care for him, he was given to a local orphanage. This was just the beginning of what would become two VERY big problems... Being an orphan lead to a life filled with petty crimes. Being a part of a powerful family, with a name to protect, meant crimes went unpunished for Nicholas.
So as you can imagine, St. Nicholas' crimes became more and more severe as he got older. He became well known in his small Turkish town for his habits of alcohol binges and theft. (His crimes were most recognized by his forced entries through household chimneys. It became a very common practice for thieves in the following years.) As the story goes, St. Nicholas started a yearly routine in which he would go through town and steal from every single house during the week leading up to the new year. But one citizen had finally had enough.

Thomas Edison is widely known as the man who "created the light bulb" but the credit actually goes to a man in St. Nicholas' own town named Arzu Hazan. Hazan had been trying for years to find an effective way to keep out the fat, drunken, roof hopping man that we all call Santa Clause. So in the year 363 A.D. Hazan successfully made over 300 light bulbs and placed them all around his home. He notified the authorities of his plans to catch this thief and they all agreed that the smug, greedy old rat had finally reached the end of the line. According to reports, on the night of December 24th, a whale of a man wearing nothing but "white undergarments and a stupid red hat" entered the property of Arzu Hazan. Hazan switched on the blazing set of lights as authorities jumped on St. Nicolas and wrestled a large velvet sack around him to carry him off. (It is easy to see where we got a lot of ideas about Santa Clause from this incident) As townspeople came out to see what was going on, word started to spread about what happened. Everybody was so happy about the news that they insisted Mr. Hazan keep his lights on all night in celebration of a tyrant brought to justice.
St. Nicholas was hung the next day on December 25th. And though he was dead, the celebration lived on and became a very popular, seasonal tradition. Throughout the years, the church had done there best to cover up this story and save face... But every dirty little secret has to be uncovered sometime :)

Conclusion

And as you can guess, the rest is history. Though the meaning of it all was lost, the celebration never ceased. It is the number one thought in every persons head during the Christmas season. LIGHTS. It is seen as a form of comradery and contest in most neighborhoods, towns and cities. A sign of power, awesomeness, and a great way to flaunt your money! The one thing that makes Christmas truly great! So with all these cold hard facts, I think it is safe to say that Christmas is most certainly about who has the most kick ass lights!

Note: This information is based entirely on PROVEN information from the best selling books "Old Saint Knickerless" and "Santa Flaws" by world renown author Skyler C. James.

True Theory #1: C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S.

The True Meaning of Christmas

The "meaning" of Christmas is one of the most debated subjects amongst citizens of the world and has been a theme in Christmas related activities since the birth of Christmas. It is highly controversial and I'm here to set the record straight, provide YOU with all the facts and let you decide from there. It is not my intent to offend or hurt anyone. My findings will consist of hard, true facts that I've found from my own valuable sources... Well mostly true... Alright not that true.... Not true AT ALL actually, now that I think about it. Enjoy :)

True Theory #1: C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S.

My first theory should naturally start at the heart of Christmas. Where it all began... Missouri. Yes that's what I said. After Jesus' resurrection, he headed out west to find America (It is a very little known fact that he actually reached America before Christopher Columbus) Jesus knew that it was important for EVERY person to hear the good word before he returned to heaven. So he Forest Gumped it, all the way out to what is now present day Missouri. Upon arrival, Jesus set up his very own tree farm where he sold to the locals and told them all about himself... He was a very charming salesman and everyone loved his trees. Unfortunately many of these Native Americans did not believe the things that Jesus was telling them. They were Native American Athiests, or "Funny looking, dark skinned, feather hatted, non-believers" for short. Jesus didn't mind that they didn't believe, but he needed a way to always remind them of himself. They did not want to celebrate what Jesus had done for them so Jesus decided he would trick them into doing it. He knew that the funny looking, dark skinned, feather hatted non-believers loved to get together and tell tales and sing, so on Jesus' next birthday he had them all come over to his place where they danced, ate and sang all night long. They had so much fun that they made an annual event of it and to this day, whether they like it or not, everyone on earth celebrates the birth of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

It wouldn't be until 1806 that Joseph Smith told his followers this story and gave the holiday an official name... Christmas. And contrary to popular belief, it actually isn't a word stemming from anything, but an abbreviation which stands for

• C hrist
  
• H ad
  
• R ealized
  
• I n
  
• S elling
  
• T rees,
  
• M ost
  
• A thiests
  
• S ing

And that is the real story of Christmas. Christ had done it. Not only was he the coolest Tree Salesman in the world, but he had also managed to ensure that his birthday party would be the largest party every year, for the rest of time :)

Conclusion

I think we can all look at this story and really understand the true meaning of Christmas... Its all about tricking people into getting what you want on December 25th. Thank you

Sources: The Book of Mormon
www.imadethisallup.com
"I Know You Are Laughing" by Skyler C. James